How do you know when a Deadhead has come to visit you?
He's still there.

How do you know when a Deadhead has broken up with his girlfriend?
He’s homeless.

Where do you hide money from a Deadhead?
Under the soap.

How many Deadheads fit in a VW bus?
Two more and a dog.

A Deadhead and his dog walked into a bar. The Deadhead said to the bartender, "Can I have a beer? I don’t have any money, but I have this talking dog." The bartender said, "If your dog can really talk, I’ll give you a beer on the house." The Deadhead said to the dog, "Hey, what’s your favorite Dead song?" The dog barked, "Wharf, Wharf, Wharf." The bartender, furious, threw the Deadhead and the dog out of the bar. Once outside, the dog turned to the Deadhead and said, "Maybe I should have said Dark Star."

Two Deadheads were talking about a show that they recently attended. The first said, "That was one of the worst shows I’ve ever been to. Phil sang off key, Bobby came in too late, and Jerry forgot all the words. It was terrible!" The second Deadhead replied, "I completely agree with you, dude. And it was way too short, too!"

     One night, an airplane was flying over the ocean. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a Deadhead. The pilot burst into the compartment and exclaimed, "I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news is that the plane is about to crash. The good news is that there are four parachutes and I have one of them!" With that, he jumped out of the plane.
     Michael Jordan sprung to his feet and said, "I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I’m taking a parachute!" With that, he grabbed a parachute and jumped.
     Bill Gates stood up and said, "I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I’m taking a parachute!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
     The Pope and the Deadhead looked at each other. The Pope said, "My son, I have lived a long and satisfying life. You have your entire life ahead of you. I feel ready to meet God. You take the last parachute and I will go down with the plane. With that, the Deadhead slowly smiled and said, "Hey, don’t worry about it. We can both have a parachute. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!"

This girl went to a Dead show with terrible tickets. She could barely even see the stage. Once the show began, she noticed an empty seat waaaaay in the front. She slowly made her way towards the stage, dodging ticket checkers left and right, and finally reached the empty seat. She was so close that Bobby could have spit on her. At the set break, she told the guy next to her that she couldn't believe that someone had given up such an incredible seat. The guy said, "Well, my wife and I had tickets to this show together, but she passed away." She said, "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find someone else to come to the show with you, a friend or a relative or something?" The guy replied, "Nah. They're all at her funeral today."

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